
I wrote this poem for Ryan on the 2nd anniversary of losing him. At the time, it felt like a lifetime without him.
Now it’s 5 years.
Grief never leaves, but it changes. I no longer sob daily, but he is in my mind every single day.
Almost two years without our Ry.
With his hidden strength beneath kind eyes
But instead looked for peace.
He had to change his reality
A lifetime of struggle, a lifetime of change
A hurt boy, a hurt soul, a new man, a new day.
Carefully controlling the fears, to keep them at bay
Growing into his laughter, his comfort, his space
Learning to allow himself joy in a limited way.
It’s been too long without our Ry.
With his heart so weak, but true.
In his youth they saw that he was shy
But didn’t know he was deep
There was more to him than many knew
The unfairness, the waste, makes me weep
Has it been forever without our Ry?
It seems he was just here with me.
I still see his flashing smile as days go by
And I roam where we walked endlessly.
We could talk about nothing
As we talked of everything effortlessly.
There was more to him than he ever knew
The unfairness and loss makes me weep.
His kindness, his humor, his handsomeness too
Were all beyond where his thoughts could leap.
With torment and doubt clouding his mind
He worked, and he tried, he strived and he cried.
Did he ever feel that people could see
The man he became, the one so kind?
It’s been too long without our Ry.
Without his “I Love You” and a kiss on my head
A quiet smile when he said “hi”
And his warm, loving hugs would begin
The dog’s tiny paws would dance
After work when she heard his car pull in
Almost two years without our Ry
The pain and the loss makes me weep.
No, it’s not easier as days slip by
This is a suffering I’ll keep.