Big memories, but a small memorial

We had an ancient oak on our property, just over the creek.  My husband would snuggle under it with his little grand fairies and tell them family stories.  He wanted to share memories of people who had passed and places they had come from. 

They always called it the “Grandfather Tree”.

When it was lost to a storm, we had it turned into a dining table, big enough to seat our whole family without pulling in extra tables for more space.  When we were together, we were a total of 11, and I’d joked it was a Nathans’ Dozen, kinda like a bakers’ Dozen wasn’t exactly twelve either.

When Ryan died, his Indiana cousins sent a tiny oak for us to plant.  I don’t know if they knew about the Grandfather Tree, or if it was just luck that the gift they sent was also an oak.  But when Sugarwings saw the type of tree, she suggested we call it “The Uncle Tree”.  She used a wood burning tool to write that on a sign her daddy made from some cedar planks we had.

We planted the little tree, and most of the remaining Nathan Dozen sprinkled some ashes on it, while saying something about Ry Guy.  I had confetti to throw too.  He would have thought that was funny.  

He was always laughing with me.

As I was gathering up the wrappings the oak had come in, I almost threw away a small, silver plaque that said “The Cousin Tree” that had been sent along with it.  We added that to Sugarwings’ sign.

The oak is near our gazebo, filled with the wind chimes we received and the ones Ryan had hung there.  

On the other side of the gazebo is a weeping redbud that was sent by the Guncles, and a vintage rose bush sent by a friend.

Rich and I like to turn on a sprinkler that waters them in an arc around us, while the hens play in the spray and the breeze makes the chimes sing to us.  On the hottest days, this is a cool, shady place to sit with a glass of wine in the evening, holding Dorothy (Ryan’s favorite dog) on my lap.  

Ry and I had a habit of watching a tv show together every night after dinner, and this has taken the place of tv watching for that hour.  It is comforting.  

Sometimes, I sit there and embroider. 

The roses Ryan had planted for me were in full bloom the day we planted the Uncle Tree, so we placed some ashes around the rose bush too, and on the iris bulbs he had planted. Although the rest of the iris around the farm were done, there was one last flower in the patch.

Because of the Corona Virus, there was no funeral.

There was no hustle bustle of running to the airport to gather up family members and hugs from far away.  

Ryan was a quiet guy who didn’t care for crowds.  With his sensory disorder, crowded places were physically hard for him to be in.  But he was also a loving soul who enjoyed his one on one conversations when he was in a group.  

I feel bad that he did not get a big goodbye, but he is one of many who could not have the funeral they should’ve. We have lost over 100,000 people, plus the ones like my boy, who died, not from the virus itself, but from what I feel is Covid related circumstances.

Maybe our small gathering due to social distancing was just what Ryan would have preferred.   And while I missed being able to have a funeral, I felt as if I had gotten hugs from afar with all of the cards, letters, flowers, and gifts that caring people had sent.  

I treasured each and every kind message, comment, and thought. I am rereading notes, drying flowers, and saving empty vases to mosaic on.  We are tending bushes and trees sent in his memory and listening to the melody of the wind in the chimes. Each and every compassionate item that came to us helped, and was appreciated.

Thank you all for caring. 

And Ryan, thank you for being my friend, walking buddy, caretaker, horror movie watching companion, helper, and my little boy.  

I will always miss my baby.

 

 

Comments

[Debbie Beracha]

Karla, this brought me to tears again. I feel the way you honored Ryan is exactly the way he would have wanted it. The way you continue to honor him as part of the family each evening is a wonderful memorial. My dad was the same way. Dad really was a loner. No way would he have wanted a big social funeral. We kept it quite intimate and by the graveside. I remember my sister, brother, and I just spending hours sitting on his porch swinging in his swing thinking about our times with him, before we even told anyone he had passed away. What a beautiful tribute you and the entire family have given Ryan, and I know you will continue do it every day. Lots of love to you guys. Debbie

[Sharon Morrison]

Just perfect.

[Lorali Longfellow]

Oh Karla, I read about the beautiful ways you and your family ate remembering and honoring your don Ryan and I wept. I pray God will give comfort to you all. Lovingly, Lorali

[Jeanie Hatch]

So Beautiful and so sad. Sending you love.

[pat h]

sending prayers and hugs what a beautiful tribute to your sweet son Ryan.

[inma]

Buenoa días, Carla, desde España estoy pendiente de tus publicaciones para apoyarte mandándome mis saludos y mis deseos de que tengas ánimo y fuerza.
Inma

[Karen Bailey]

Oh Karla,
you are in my heart and prayers every moment of the day. I love the Uncle tree and your son is looking down and loving it too, I am sure of that. He will always be with you.
Hugging you.
Karen B.

[Laurie Jackson]

What a beautiful memorial time and celebration of Ryan. I know he would have loved it. I'm just sending love and crying along with you all each time I think of you. This is a part of loving and it hurts but it is, ultimately, someday, healing.

[Annette]

Karla, we have never met but I have followed your blog for,years. Checking in today I was surprised and saddened to hear of your deep loss. You and your family are in my prayers. May you recall forgotten and comforting memories of your sweet boy.

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