In the land of heart shaped rocks

We have been doing some traveling.  Yes, I know that in the Time of Corona, that is an iffy thing.  But we have a new RV that allows us to avoid all public restrooms and restaurants, we roll with our own kitchen and bathroom.  All we need to do is pump gas, then park and picnic inside the bubble of our little home on wheels.

This trip was to Wyoming, where the virus hasn’t become a big threat.  We gathered at the spacious lake house we’d gone to before on our big family reunion.  This time, the attendance was much smaller, due to the concerns of the plague hanging over us all.

Honestly, I was  not a fan of the idea.  Shouldn’t we all just stay home, doing our part to stop the spread?

But, my husband and I are dealing with our boy’s death in different ways.  I couldn’t even speak to anyone at all for along time, he wants his people around him, and was especially missing his family.  Whom I also love, and love to spend time with.  It meant a lot to him, he needed his people.

I felt more than a little guilty about indulging ourselves with a vacation/family reunion but knew that this one was about as safe as one could be. 

Buying the new camper made me feel pretty secure. And we questioned everyone we were going to be seeing on their practices. Our family members had all been careful, working at home, shopping at early morning senior hours, staying in, etc.

A couple of weeks ago, we took the RV to North Carolina for the grand fairies to see their daddy, and while NC is far from as virus free as the remote lands of Wyoming, that had gone well and had also been very careful there.

So, I took some of Ryan’s ashes from the urn Ed Noonen had gifted us with and carefully packed some in the “to go vase” he had also made.    Actually, the small vase was a separate gift, not exactly meant to be a traveling ash container, but it seemed ideal for that purpose.  I have mentioned that Ry wasn’t fond of getting out and seeing the world.  But when we last vacationed in Casper, he rode along and had a great time.

We had pulled a camper then too.  Not because the lake house was too crowded, it sleeps DOZENS, but to provide a private place for him to retreat to if needed. We practically forced him to come and used the fact that it was his grandma’s 85th birthday to guilt him into it.

And we were so glad we did.  He joined in, laughed with everyone, took long walks in the hills with me, helped in the kitchen, and even placed pretty high in the ping pong tournament.  It was such a pleasure to remember him there with us, that we wanted to spread some of his remains in a spot that had been special to us.

This might sound odd, and might also mean that I am totally losing it, but carefully tending to the ashes, and wrapping them up to take along reminded me of taking care of him as a baby.  Geez, why did I even tell you that?  I do sound crazy.  And grief will do that to you.  Maybe I felt like I was doing something for him like I used to when he was just little?

Sugarwings and Dewdrop went hiking with their cousins and all of the girls brought back heart shaped rocks for me.

I do not remember seeing any at all when we were there three years ago. But on this visit? They were abundant.

The largest rock is next to his urn now.  The teeniest is wrapped up in a note to him, inside the urn.

When I came across the smaller, almost perfect heart, I knew it would be an ideal bodice along with the larger hearts as wings and skirt, to form an angel for my boy.

There is twisty, weathered wood all around too.  I picked up pieces to make a frame around his angel. Then took the ashes out to it, and let Sugarwings sprinkle them over it all. 

While I hadn’t thought I needed this trip, like my husband did, I found out that I certainly had. Staying in a unique spot that was full of happy memories and being able to create this angel for Ryan with stones found by the girls was good for me.

As was spending time with two of the dearest sister-in-laws anyone could have.  Both of them offered their own big hearts to me when I sobbed.  

My husband says the time was healing for him. 

 I can’t say that for myself.  Right now, I don’t see any possibility of ever healing.

But I can say that when people who care about me were there to listen to me talk about our loss, and to show their love,  I knew that I had not lost everything.  It is good to feel their love, when I needed it so badly.  

I know that with this virus ramping up and raging through our world, not everyone has the luxury of buying an RV to go be near family.  Although our son is dead, I still feel blessed for what we do have.  And my heart goes out to those who suffer through the loss of the ones they love completely alone due to the isolation we are all going through.

Comments

[Sharon Morrison]

Everything you do now is the right thing. No guilt, no excuses. Just be you and do what you need to do. Time, it takes time.

[Robin Kesner]

There is no right or wrong here Karla. It felt healing to you to wrap his ashes and I totally felt it too. I know things will never feel the same. There is hope for some smiles and good memories in the days ahead. It feels good to sob and have our loved ones hug us tight. That rick next to Ryan’s picture is absolutely amazing. I love the wood heart you created for your sweet girl to spread his ashes in a place filled with good happy memories ❤️

[Yvonne Welty]

Your post was lovely Karla. Everyone grieves in their own way. "Taking care of your boy" was a lovely image and hope it gives comfort to you in some way.

[Laurie Jackson]

Beautifully put. I am glad to hear how it's going for you, day by day. Thankful for you to be surrounded by family who love you and yours.

[Ellen D. Bailey]

Karla - You do what is right for you and your family, and thank God that you are in good health and not among the many who are considered at risk due to age, current health or past histories of health issues. I grieve with you, and yet rejoice that you are doing the necessary things to eventually get you through this most difficult time.

[Sandy Thomson]

Karla, your post and the few previous brought me to tears. I can not even imagine how You can deal with anything at this moment. I love all the sweet little things you have done in his memory , those are the actions of an all loving mom who misses her boy. Of course when I read this I put myself in your shoes and can’t even imagine what I would do with out Jennifer. So many of the things you said about Ryan, his shyness and trying to understand why people have to be so mean. You said he was such a sweet spirit and what I knew of him was so very right. Jen has a lot of those things to handle in her life, also.
I am stuck in my house for the last five months and I envy you getting to go out. Not that is for fun, but just having a change of scenery and be able see and do something different. I have had a dream of Jen and I going traveling in a little trailer, van or what ever I can conger up. But I am pretty sure it will always remain a dream.The first time I got in my car to go to the doctor I almost didn’t remember how to drive. So I am glad that you were able to get away.
I know that time will be a good healer but right now it seems that the pain will never go away but each of us have our own way to grieve and it’s good that you are filling your heart with love for him. I wish I knew how to say or do something that can ease your pain but luckily you have a great family who are rallying around you. All I can say is that you are in my thoughts and know that you are someone who is loved by many and most of us wish we could be there to console you. Take of yourself and stay safe especially with this wicked virus who is claiming so many loved ones all over the world.