Stitching my world back together

 

The day Ryan died, I was in the middle of making this flower I had crafted to stitch together a hole in a favorite shirt.

I was waiting for him to come downstairs for our planned walk. As I worked on the shirt,  I texted him a couple of times to ask if he was okay, since he was running so late.

After the shock of finding his body, and dealing with the dozens of emergency personnel that go along with a tragedy like that, I found myself back at the table, numbly stitching away on this flannel.

Over the next few weeks, while I still could not bear to speak to many people, and my chest twisted up into shards of pain with every breath I took, I found myself still stitching.

The creations were an outlet for me, my mind could wander with memories of my boy, as my hands stayed busy.  

I have never been into sewing, but embroidery seems different.  I call it “painting with thread”.  After surgery, early in March, while Covid was amping up, I could be creative while elevating and icing my knee.
So luckily, I was already immersed in the hobby and had a selection of supplies out, when I really needed them.  

Having these shirts to keep me occupied, didn’t take my mind off of Ryan, but sewing them did give me quiet time to think about him and I could feel myself being stitched back together a tiny bit with each flower.

I can’t say that embroidery has brought me peace, because I feel like breathing will always be painful now.

But I think it has helped me along towards peacefulness by the repetitive and simple process of pulling the needle in and out of the fabric and by choosing pretty colors to put together.

Ideally, it is best to be working on these flowers while listening to wind chimes in the gazebo.  And after a long walk on the trails Ryan and I had walked together on over and over.

The walks can be tough, each step reminds me of a laugh or something he said as we passed in that exact spot.  I have learned to never go on a walk without wearing pants with pockets and filling those pockets with tissues.

And to never waste tissues on tears.  Tears can drop on my feet, or on the sidewalk, but snot really shouldn’t.  And I am a snotty cryer.

I save the tissues for nose blowing and let the tears go wherever they want.

Maybe I will be able to do some artwork in the studio soon.  I have cleaned it top to bottom and rearranged it a bit too.  I am easing myself back into my old life, making myself ready to be artistic again.

For now, I’ll keep stitching, and trying to hold myself together as much as I can.

Comments

[inma]

Son preciosas. Un abrazo.

[Claudia Ehlers]

You do beautiful work and it can be very healing. Mourning is such a personal thing. Thinking of you.

[Janet duncan]

Life will never be the same, but goes on without us.

[Terry Neibaur]

They are lovely Karla. I am so glad you found something to help you along this difficult time. I love you and am here for you any time you want to talk and just shit the breeze.

[Terry Neibaur]

It was supposed to be shoot the breeze, but whatever.
Love you

[jennifer Thompson]

Karla, I'm so sorry you were the one to find your son. I can only imagine the fear and sadness. I'm so sorry. I'm so glad that you have such loving family to help pick up the pieces that have fallen. You take care and we will continue to enjoy all you share with us. xxoo Jen

[Karla Nathan]

Jennifer, it was my husband, my other son, and myself who were with his body. Very traumatic, but I was comforted that I got to see him and hug him goodbye.

[Jeanie Hatch]

Your embroidery is beautiful, you are stitching love into every garment.

[Laurie M. Jackson]

I'm glad the stitching is giving you a creative outlet. It's so hard. Thinking of you all.

[Yvonne Welty]

Your work is beautiful Karla! It's a good thing to be able to be comforted by stitching.

[Carol L deSousa]

Tears well in my eyes as I read your words. I pray that God will heal your heart as you continue to work through your grief. I'm glad that the stitching has brought you some comfort and gave you a way to express yourself without speaking. Big Hug!

[Deb Dusenberry]

Karla these are amazing!! Your talent and passion for creating is such a gift!! Hope every day gets better...

[Ellen D. Bailey]

Karla, your embroidery is lovely, and I can see your art background in each piece. You will certainly have a colorful wardrobe to wear in the coming months. I shed tears with you and know that sometime in the future they will cease coming as frequently. I continue to rejoice that you are making progress in the slow journey of healing.

[marilee mckelvey]

Your embroidery is beautiful. My grandmother was a master embroiderer and to see your embroidery reminds me of her and how she is in my heart every day. I hope with time you can feel that same peace in remembering Ryan. I know he is in your heart forever. A wise man once told me if we were aware of how much we love, we would be in tears constantly.