A book for Ryan

When Ryan died, I looked on Facebook, my blog, old albums, anywhere I could to gather photos of him.

With a break to raise puppies, I have been working on a scrapbook for him since.

Some times, the pictures and memories would reduce me to a puddle of snot and tears so, I couldn’t work on it every day.

The goal was to have it done today, his birthday.  

He was a guy who loved his birthday!  He usually took a week off of work, just to relax.

Although, relaxing for Ryan meant going to the gym to work out and walking 20,000 steps a day.  

I will celebrate his birthday by going for a walk, and have been trying to get one in daily this week, like I would’ve if he’d been with me.  

On cold days, we’d go to the community rec center.  I was worried about using it now, but checked it out, and it is pretty empty.  The track is built as a loft over four basketball courts that are not open due to Covid.  It is a newer building and seems airy.  

On nice days, I walk on the sidewalks and trails we used to go on together.  But there has been a cold streak in Kansas, so I needed to use the track for his birthday week.  Which is tough, because it requires a mask.  That in itself is fine, but when I am thinking of how much I enjoyed running, walking and talking with my boy, I start to cry.

You can’t cry well in a mask.  

So, I listen to an audiobook and try not to sob and get my mask soggy, since I can’t take it off to blow my nose.

Ryan’s book is finished, I made it from the canvas of a pour painting that he hung in his apartment.

I wish he would’ve joined me in creating a painting of his own.  He did hang out with me as I swirled and played with paints, and he loved watching them come together.

The charm on this book was a pour paint necklace that he wore.

The book itself is a planner from Hobby Lobby.  I cut the painting off its frame and pieced a gold toned canvas together to cover the exterior.

The interior is covered in a red canvas he also had in his room.

Ryan’s life long friends gave me an entire folder filled with sketches and doodles he did over the decades while playing card games with them!

What a treasure!

Some I cut up to make a collage, others I used as backgrounds as is. And the rest I used as additions throughout the book.  I included some condolence cards too, this page is made of a card from his friends’ mom.

It’s too bad my hand writing isn’t nice, but it was still very important to me to add stories, so I didn’t let it bother me.

On this page, I listed some of his favorite tv shows, that we’d watch together.

And I added a few on my own doodles too.  

Now that it is done, I am wishing that I’d bought a bigger book to use.  This is stuffed tightly, and I would’ve liked to add printed pages from my blog about Ryan.  There is no space left in this book.  

I will keep this book by my favorite chair.

There is no recovery from a loss like this.

But there is comfort in reminiscing, and in memories.

Working on this album was healing for me.

 
And I’ll be glad to keep it nearby.

Comments

[inma]

Desde España te envío el mejor abrazo que tengo para ti.

[cheryl]

Your book for your son is so beautiful and heart-wrenching. When someone you love dies that is the hardest thing you will ever go through. Talking about your son and keeping his memories will help you so much. Sometimes you can only just breathe because the grief is so strong. I know from my beloved husbands death that is what helps me.
Take care. Cheryl

[Kerryanne]

Karla, this is such a beautiful remembrance of your much loved son Ryan. I hope you can look at it often and treasure and enjoy those wonderful memories until you meet again.
Sending you a big squeezy hug sweetie xx

[Gayla PAPPENFOHT]

Oh, Karla. I know this had to be your heart made visible because you are an artist. Thank you for sharing these pages of your life and your beautiful son with us. If you decide to create another volume, your heart will be in it, too.

[Yvonne Welty]

What a wonderful project. I can't imagine a better tribute from a Mother for a son. Hope you get a lot of comfort looking at it.

[Carol O'Connell]

Oh Karla your tribute book for Ryan is filled with love. You filled it with all your heart and memories...it is beautiful!
Sending (((hugs))) from Canada.

[Leslie]

What a truly treasured book, Karla. I can feel his heart and soul on every single page you created. Your own personal handwriting and his drawings and handwritten name make it extra special. Grief takes so much time and processing, I am glad working on this was helpful for you...and I agree...I don't think we ever recover from losing children. Continue to be kind to yourself. If you have more things you want to include...start a second album.... I am sure he has been right there with you as you go on your walks...and as you have worked on his beautiful books.