2020 was such a wreck I almost didn’t decorate for the holidays. But with a grand fairy around, one whose year was as bad as mine, I needed to.
And the twinkle of lights during a dark winter is very uplifting.
So I did some holiday foofing, and was glad that I did. But when I found the bag of pinecones that Ryan and I gathered on a walk, the recollections of that day wrenched my soul.
We’d had Sugar with us, and we were in an area we called The Danger Zone, because there were so many squirrels. Balancing a squirrel crazed dog on a leash while trying to fill our pockets with pinecones, and having them fall out every time we bent over made us laugh til I cried.
And I cry now, just thinking about it.
But it was a fun memory, one to hold on to. So, last year, I put out just the trees with lights and pinecones in honor of him and how much we laughed that day while picking those up.
I will always have a tree decorated with pinecones for Ryan now, and use them throughout the house.
Every day is hard when you lose a child. But little things, like a pinecone, that can bring back flashes of a very happy day, are treasures that can help.
I have added his picture to one of the pinecone trees, and I love this one because it shows his caring and kindness.
I have used a bit more red around the house too. It was his favorite color.
And I have done mosaic glass on vases that flowers were delivered in after he died. They have flickering candles inside and make me think of how many ways he lit up my life.
This is our second Christmas without him. Sometimes I am shocked that so much time has gone by.
Other days, it feels like he has been gone forever.
I look at Molly, watching her grow from a wriggly little pup into a lovely dog, and realize that Ryan never even met her. She is a living symbol of my time without him.
I can just hear his voice if he knew we kept this pup from the litter. He’d probably say just what his brother did- are you crazy!? You do not need another dog!
But he’d have loved her to pieces.
She and I go for long walks on the sidewalks Ryan and I followed and some days we stop at the Danger Zone where all the pinecones fall and I tell her about him. She is a good listener.
There are so many happy stories to share. And so many pinecones covering the ground. Each is a reminder that nature renews itself, life goes on. That the little, simple things are what is important.
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