We all need someone to lean on sometime, don’t we? Ryan was my rock, and I used to lean on him a lot. These hugging, rock hearts made me think of how he used to be that for me.
I mentioned in my last post that the puppy sitting job was good for my soul. Besides the wreck and worries about the horrendous hurricane, I have been missing my boy so much lately.
I always do.
He is there in my heart at all times. Some weeks, grief is just a low key, background noise. Other times, it’s an all encompassing heartache, and others, a sweet little smile to myself over a memory or a moment I know he would have enjoyed.
Lately, his loss has been heavy. I try to pick out reasons why this happens, like waking up in the morning and piecing together what that weird dream I’d just had was about.
The stirred up grief can be from so many elements. I think they are now called triggers, but I dislike that term. It sounds harsh and scary.
After feeling extra bereft, I decided to take a walk on his favorite trail, which I had been avoiding for months. As I turned the corner around the pond, I remembered why I never go that way. There is a wet area that never dries, even in a drought, that section of the path remains slimy and slippery. Ryan always took my elbow as we crossed there. Now, I know I am getting older, but I’m not a frail little old lady and I used to tell him I didn’t need any help. He responded the same way each time- “You are my mom, and I love you.”
As I stepped across the mossy slime this day, without Ryan by my side, (and sobbing because he wasn’t) Sugar spotted a goose and lunged for it, pulling the leash and pulling me behind her as I hydroplaned through the gucky spot.
It was surprising that I didn’t fall and get yet another concussion. And as I was thinking how lucky I was I looked out at the pond and saw many floating hearts made of clumps of algae.
Maybe Ryan had still been protecting me after all. And left a sign that said he loved me.
Ryan's still with you. I'm so sorry that you are still hurting and so bereft at times....
Posted by: Ellen D. Bailey | October 12, 2022 at 12:00 AM