Karla's Cottage

A new look for old Christmas ornaments

Sometimes an inspiration comes from one simple idea.  Other times things just fall into place as you are going and it all just seems like you planned it out, but you didn’t, it just came together. 

I had been gifted this magnificent buffet, with inlaid MOP, burned wood, and a pure white, marble top.  It is nicer than any piece of furniture I’d have ever bought for myself, and I wanted to highlight it for the holidays

To honor the lovely wood, I thought I’d go more natural with the tree I usually set in that area.

Well, natural for me at least.  They’re  still sparkly silver!  But the decor is centered around nature and family.  Birds from my Mom’s house, hand made bird ornaments from friends, deer, fairies, stars, and  lots of pinecones, from the day Ryan and I gathered them together.

Every time I think of that day, I have to laugh, it had been so funny for us, freezing, while stuffing pinecones in pockets and inside jackets while the big doodle dog pulled on the leash and I slid down the sidewalk, with Ryan trying to hold me back.  
We laughed so hard and joked about it for months, every time we walked by there.  
Of course, it was also the day the dog jerked the leash and messed up my shoulder, but we were still laughing and I remember rolling on the wet ice, laugh crying at one point.

I have only been brave enough to walk on the trail where we found those pinecones a couple of times this year.  And one time resulted in the same laugh/crying on the ground again.  This time, all alone.  And the pain from the loss of Ryan is much worse than a torn rotator cuff.

The Christmas after Ryan died, I returned to our spot and gathered up every pinecone I could find.  Almost as if I could NOT leave any behind, they were all symbols of Ryan and I and where we used to spend so much time together.  So now, I have a lifetime supply of pinecones and they will always be a part of my winter decorating.

This Christmas, I filled the bowl of this garden planter (free at a a garage sale!) with lights and my precious memory pinecones and added a tree filled with hand painted ornaments I’d made for my boy over the years.

When my boys were little, I was a single mom working as a waitress and depending upon my own mom for help.  At the holidays, I would paint dozens of glass balls to sell to anyone I could to raise money to buy gifts for my kids. I never left the house in December without a boxful and was even known to approach strangers in parking lots to sell these. 

And every season, I painted and dated one for each family member.  

The ones I did for my boys were very 80s themed!

Ha, Gremlins and ET!

He loved Frosty and Rudolf.  Ryan loved shows all of his life and it’s fun for me to look back through these and realize just how many were based upon his favorite movies that year.

And as he got older, his first car, the horrid, orange, “Punkin”.

I haven’t unboxed the family ornaments in years, they haven’t been my style or fit in with my current trees.  And I was saddened to see so many were missing. And I wondered why I quit this tradition.  But I am lucky to have these.

Even this heart breaker.

More hearts

We all need someone to lean on sometime, don’t we?  Ryan was my rock, and I used to lean on him a lot.  These hugging, rock hearts made me think of how he used to be that for me.

I mentioned in my last post that the puppy sitting job was good for my soul.  Besides the wreck and worries about the horrendous hurricane, I have been missing my boy so much lately.  

I always do.

 He is there in my heart at all times.  Some weeks, grief is just a low key, background noise.  Other times, it’s an all encompassing heartache, and others, a sweet little smile to myself over a memory or a moment I know he would have enjoyed.  

Lately, his loss has been heavy.  I try to pick out reasons why this happens, like waking up in the morning and piecing together what that weird dream I’d just had was about.

The stirred up grief can be from so many elements.  I think they are now called triggers, but I dislike that term.  It sounds harsh and scary.  



After feeling extra bereft, I decided to take a walk on his favorite trail, which I had been avoiding for months. As I turned the corner around the pond, I remembered why I never go that way.  There is a wet area that never dries, even in a drought, that section of the path remains slimy and slippery.  Ryan always took my elbow as we crossed there.  Now, I know I am getting older, but I’m not a frail little old lady and I used to tell him I didn’t need any help.  He responded the same way each time- “You are my mom, and I love you.”

As I stepped across the mossy slime this day, without Ryan by my side, (and sobbing because he wasn’t) Sugar spotted a goose and lunged for it, pulling the leash and pulling me behind her as I hydroplaned through the gucky spot.

It was surprising that I didn’t fall and get yet another concussion.  And as I was thinking how lucky I was I looked out at the pond and saw many floating hearts made of clumps of algae.

Maybe Ryan had still been protecting me after all.  And left a sign that said he loved me.

 

 

 

 

Hidden Hearts

I have always enjoyed finding shapes in nature.  Especially hearts.  Or fairy wings.  
Typically, I take a photo of the heart and leave it, but some I pocket, like this one from the dog park.  


They have taken on even more meaning since we lost Ry.  He used to be enthusiastic about the ones I’d see when out on our walks together.  I can hear his voice every time I find one now.

 “That’s so cool, Mom!”

So this broken heart really stood out and caught my eye. It shows how I’ve felt since Ryan left.  Still holding it together, but forever broken.

And lookee here at this one!  On Molly’s hip.  She’d had an ouchie and as it healed, the hair grew back as more golden retriever hair than poodle/doodle hair.  And a darker color too. 

“That’s so cool!”

Scenes from the reunion and one from the past

Before our big reunion began, I decided to go through old albums and pull out Nathan, Neibaur, and Nichols photos that I could slip quickly into another album to pass around.  Not my typical style, usually I love making pretty albums.  But I was in a hurry because it was a last minute plan.  And a single, edited book was much better than stacks and stacks of books filled miscellaneous photos the guests wouldn’t be familiar with, like the kids’ old friends or our neighbors of the past.

I came across this oldie from our home in Arkansas.  I don’t know the occasion, or who took it, but I felt it like a jab in the heart.  It’s not a good photo, but it is a great picture. Adam is a blur because like his daughter, he is in constant motion.  Ryan is wearing his tee shirt from his army man Halloween costume and has the “Footloose” haircut that he always insisted on.  I have on a matching tee and shorts that my mom sewed for me, the wallpaper behind us was some my sister helped hang in this very first house we ever bought.  

So many memories in one snapshot.

And so much love, too.

I love this photo and will never tuck it away in the dark again, this one goes on display.  But it also started the reunion on a shaky note for me.  The people coming to visit were all favorites of Ryan, he enjoyed hanging out with this group, and I sure felt his absence when I was with them.  

Also, Ry died at 42, and was my good buddy, we had such fun together.  But this picture reminded me- he was my baby.  My little guy. The majority of my grief is about daily things I miss about my grown up son and best friend.  When it hits me that I lost my baby, it’s a death blow to my heart, so I don’t dwell on that aspect of it.

When people started arriving to the party, my sister-in-law wanted to sit with me in Ryan’s apartment and reminisce about him.  I have to admit, that was the highlight of the week for me.  It means so much when people honor my Ry that way.

He is not forgotten.

 

 

Seashell fairies at Indian Rocks

 I had a restful, and much needed vacation with my sisters at the beach.

Indian Rocks is not my favorite beach, mostly because of the lack of shells.  But the ocean was beautiful, the sunsets were colorful, and the company was the best.  Plus, I managed to find just enough shells to make two fairies.

And I am being very precise with my words telling you that, there honestly were not many shells.  

I was pleased to be able to make one fairy and felt very lucky to have scrambled enough shells together for her, then told myself on the last day that I wanted to find a heart and create an Angel for my Ryan before I left.  The wind was rough that day so I decided to walk into it for the first part of the stroll, knowing it’s always easier to return with the wind at your back, not in your face.

These bits and pieces came my way on that last, windy walk and I was able to construct this for Ryan, just as I’d hoped to.  I sprinkled a few more of his ashes, listened to his song again, and told him that I love him.

But he knows that.

Here is the first sprite I made.  Her hair looks like she was battling the wind as much as I was, doesn’t it? 

I consider her more of a fairy, and the second one is an Angel.  But I guess it is all in the eyes of who sees them and what they think of them.  

That is, if anyone actually sees them.  But that isn’t the point of making them.  

The beach fairies are a blessing and a thank you to nature that I make for the pure pleasure of crafting them.

My sissies took me to another beach, where I also gathered some shells to bring home.  I’m hoping to craft some shellfolk in epoxy with those, so will have some to share that aren’t just memories that wash away in the surf.

 

At the beach

Last week,  I spent five days at Indian Rocks with my sisters.  We had very pleasant, although a bit windy, weather.  

And lots of time to sit on the edge of the water and let our toes wiggle into the disappearing sand that washes out with the waves.

My niece was also visiting with her family, so we had good company to hang with.  I actually had someone there who liked getting in the surf, and at the same time that the temperature was ideal for swimming! The only trouble was that my head is still wonky from Sugar plowing into me, and I didn’t want to jostle my brain by getting flipped around too much while wave jumping.

So I mostly just waded out into about waist deep water and made the big girl choice of not body surfing back in.  

Ugh.  Being practical and safe sucks.  

Indian Rocks is relaxing, which is what I needed.  My Dr. told me that I should be resting, so that is what I did.  Most of the time, I was sitting on the beach or the balcony wearing dark glasses and not reading.  

By mid week, I actually was feeling better.  I still avoided going out much, and stayed in when others went out to eat a few times.

Typically, I walk for hours when in Florida, but this time, it was pretty low key, with shorter strolls.  On one trip up the shore, I came across this dead bonnet head shark, about 2’ long. That was something I’ve never seen before.  He looked about the way I felt, after dealing with weeks of concussion discomfort, fog, and kind of an overall flatness.  I simply have not been myself.

Still, I  did get out to explore the area, it wasn’t all droopiness and exhaustion.  We went antiquing and exploring a couple times too.  The beach we stayed at had a serious lack of shells.  

I mean, sadly so.  I am always glad to find broken bits to use in my sea shell fairies, but dang, this place mostly had shapeless crumbs.

So my sisters took me to Passé Grille beach after I did some research on nearby beaches to hunt shells on.  You really can’t tell from this photo, but behind me are piles and piles of shells, like snowdrifts.  We went to the tip of the island, which was rocky and excellent for catching all the ones that washed up.

Another morning, we played tourist at the Don Cesar.  We have stayed there before, but it’s pretty pricey, so this time we were visitors, not guests.  And you know what?  That works out pretty well.  Honestly, the rooms there, while being elegant, are too small.  Renting a spacious condo, driving to and spending time walking through the Pink Palace, strolling their beach, then having some ice cream is a better way to go for us.

We were there before it got hot, then did some antiquing after. 


Shelling wasn’t great, but better than Indian Rocks, (which could be said about any beach because Indian Rocks is about as bad as it gets).  I found enough to make a heart for Ryan.

 It was the anniversary of his death.

I listened to his song and sprinkled a handful of ashes. I always take a little bag with me when I travel.  I know, pretty weird, but Ryan was always such a good travel buddy.  Funny, he hated, absolutely hated to travel, but when we made him go on family adventures he had the best attitude of anyone there and was helpful, thoughtful and fun to be with.  

So I like to find a quiet spot, sprinkle some ash and tell him how much I’d have enjoyed having him with me.

 

 

 

Two years now

Here is a song I wrote for Ryan, with Music by Matt Pryor.  Beth made the slide show.

 

 

 

 

Another redo for Ryan’s apartment

For Ryan’s 40th birthday, he wanted his apartment fixed up.  He chose the paint colors and flooring, we got light fixtures and ripped out his bathroom to replace the shower, toilet and sink.  

There had been a kitchenette that he never used in the living room, so we pulled it out and covered up the plumbing hook ups.

After he died, we switched it up a little, and purchased a new bed, but mostly left it as it was.  We just enhanced it and made it more fitting for a guest to stay in.

Then for various reasons, it was occupied by family members all between leases and waiting to move to their new places. 

As they brought their belongings in and out, Ryan’s things got shifted and resettled, we gave his couch away to make space, finally took some things to goodwill, sent his gaming systems to others who might use them, and well, it just didn’t feel the same afterwards.  
We used to go in there sometimes to feel close to him, and no longer could do that.

Now that it is empty again, I wanted to honor Ryan by using some things he cared about, but make the room even more functional as a guest room.  Also, I got a new sofa in my own living room, and to save money, took my old one up to the apartment.

It’s a very different style than the previous couch.  But I think it still works in the room.

Amazon had a stretchy, seat cushion cover that warmed up the white on white look, and I found some great pillow covers there too.  And ticking striped curtains!  I really liked those, and since the other ones had been attacked by kitties and had to go I had a good reason to splurge.

Hopefully, these additions make the couch less foofy/girly than it was when I had it covered in floral pillows for the last 15 years while using it in the cottage.

His coffee table needed the top repainted and I went with gray, but then didn’t like that with his Black and Tan rug, so I got this runner to tie in the colors better.

People were so generous with floral arrangements after he died.  I’ve saved each vase and have been covering them in mosaic glass.  

And while this sounds pretty silly when I tell you about it, it’s very meaningful to me.  Ryan was always the first one up after every meal, clearing dishes, scraping the glass cook top with a razor and wiping out the microwave.   He also used to hang out and chat while I did pour paintings, even though he didn’t make any himself (I wish I’d pushed him to try!)

So here is the silly part.

When our microwave needed replacing, I saved the glass tray, primed it, and made it into a painting.  It is now a tray in his room.

Half of his space was set up as a home gym, which we took down because my husband already has a workout space in his office.  To honor Ryan’s dedication and in apology to him for taking out the gym, I placed this stone that says “strength” on the microwave tray.

Its all just symbols, Those little things were not here when he was here.  But they are chocked full of meaning to me, none the less.

Same with these two pictures.  They were not his, but they remind me of Malarkey, the red bird that drove Ryan bananas by dive bombing the windows.  That bird was a regular part of our conversations and Ry went back and forth between laughing about him and hating him.

 I hung the vintage prints so the story will be a part of this room.

The area that held the gym, now has a table and chairs. 

They also, have nothing to do with my son.  But I painted them in the colors he chose when we redecorated the room on his birthday.

His guitar hangs on the wall.  It has a pretty, mother of pearl inlay and he loved it. 

There are so many changes to his space.

Just like there are so many other changes since he died.  Things do continue to go on and to morph, don’t they?  But the memories are there and the love is forever.  While this room no longer looks like it did when he lived in it, to me, his light will always live on in there.

A poem for Ryan

Almost two years without our Ry.

With his hidden strength beneath kind eyes

That had seen cruelty

But instead looked for peace.

He had to change his reality

To put his mind at ease.

 

A lifetime of struggle a lifetime of change

A hurt boy, a hurt soul, a new man, a new day.

Carefully controlling the fears to keep them at bay

Growing into his laughter, his comfort, his space

Learning to allow himself joy in a limited way.

 

It’s been too long without our Ry.

With his heart so weak, but true.

In his youth they saw that he was shy

But didn’t know he was deep

There was more to him than many knew

The unfairness, the waste, makes me weep

 

Has it been forever without our Ry?

It seems he was just here with me.

I still see his flashing smile as days go by

And I roam where we walked endlessly.

We could talk about nothing

As we talked of everything effortlessly.

 

There was more to him than he ever knew

The unfairness and loss makes me weep.

His kindness, his humor, his handsomeness too

Were all beyond where his thoughts could leap.

With torment and doubt clouding his mind

He worked, and he tried, he strived and he cried.

Did he ever feel that people could see

The man he became, the one so kind?

 

It’s been too long without our Ry.

Without his “I Love You” and a kiss on my head

A quiet smile when he said “hi”

And his warm, loving hugs would begin

The dog’s tiny paws would dance

After work when she heard his car pull in

 

Almost two years without our Ry

The pain and the loss makes me weep.

No, it’s not easier as days slip by

This is a suffering I’ll keep.

The rest of the ice resin

While in Florida, I found a never ending treasure trove of hearts on Walton Rocks beach near Ft Pierce.  Some rocks, some shells, all eliciting squeals of joy from me.  These were found in three trips.

 I had big plans for a beachy toned display, but then decided I wanted to fill this black tray and use it in Ryan’s apartment.  I pressed the hearts into tile adhesive which was a sandy gray tone.

Sorry, no pics of that stage.  But- the hearts all sorta disappeared into the background and the adhesive was blah.  So, I tried some gemstone flakes in aqua shades, still not enough contrast.

I decided to use fluorite chips for more distinction.  I’m not a person who has much purple in their life, but I have nothing against the color.  And Ry’s room has pops of bright colors in it to brighten up the grays, so in theory it should work.

But overall, it was just kinda messy.  I should’ve done something else with my treasures.  Plus, the hearts were all different thicknesses and it wasn’t functional as a tray, and too heavy to be a wall hanging.

That is when I decided to use ice resin.  Which was a good idea, but maybe I should’ve used more?  There are still some high points.  But, overall, it did make the tray more functional.

Many of the rocks had holes, and I tucked heart shaped garnets (Ryan’s birthstone) into them before pouring on the resin.

Ryan would’ve liked it, and I am enjoying using some colors in his room that I don’t typically use in my cottage.  And I think I will probably try out more resin projects in the future.