Karla's Cottage

Little Red Doodles to Hold

Honey has babies!

It was a wild ride getting them here.  The night before they were born, she started nesting, and decided she did not like the whelping box.  Every time we let her out of our sight, she started to dig, including through a wall.

That girl wanted to build a den.

Once we got her settled, she went right to work, and calmly had 8 pups in under 3 hours.

I sat up with her a few more hours, then went to bed. 
(There were lots of ups and downs all night, letting her out, feeding her, making sure pups were warm.)

The next morning, we discovered a bonus puppy who came sometime after midnight and I didn’t even notice.

5 girls, 4 boys.

The adventure reminded me of her first litter, when she actually did dig a den to give birth in.  Ryan and I had to hunt for cold, wet, pups in the dark with a flashlight.

You can see the story HERE.

When the two dogs went into heat, I wasn’t sure if we should breed them this year. But the thought of fluffy puppies to snuggle was too hard to resist.  After losing Ryan, I thought that would be just what I needed to start healing my heart.

In the past, Honey has had a false pregnancy, so I doubled down and had both dogs bred- just in case.

Now, I had two very pregnant dogs, and was ready for all that healing to start as soon as I saw the first baby.

But hearts don’t recovery that simply, do they?  

And with Honey’s determination to dig her own nest, it all brought back memories of my son, by my side in the rain, hunting for little puppies.  I felt his loss even more, if that is possible. 

Over the next couple of months, I’ll miss him by me as they are fed from a spoon (he laughed at how spoiled they were) and I’ll miss him when I watch our favorite shows with a lap full of pups, knowing he always loved holding the little ones with me in front of the TV and should’ve been there with an armload himself.

But as I tell Sugarwings when she is sad about her uncle, losing a loved one means you need to love the ones around you even more.

Death teaches us how quickly we can lose someone, and we should learn from that, and treasure our time with family.

I know how quickly these next couple of months will go by.  In a flash, the puppies will leave to go be loved by others.  But for now, I am drying my tears and treasuring these moments with them.

My heart will never heal.  
But there is always room in its pieces for love and for puppies.

 

Bringing a Taste of Autumn to the Cottage

Thanks to Ryan- Camping on the River and Playing with Rainbows with a Overdue Break from iPads

We made a quick trip to Asheville to take Sugarwings to be with her dad and sissy before school started.

Both girls are doing virtual school, which can be done from any place with WiFi. Which means more possible trips during the school year.

It seemed smart to let them get settled into the new classes before doing that, though. We wanted to have a visit, and be home before school began.

It was good for them to be together, and play outside.  They made three foot high bubbles with a giant wand and modeled for each other with a rainbow light. There was hiking, waterfalls, and a walk through a bamboo forest.

Honestly, between losing Ryan, and trying to cope with the pandemic, we have been failing as grandparents.  Sugarwings has had a lonely summer when staying with us, besides a few boat outings, and trips, we are dull on a daily basis.

I usually make efforts to take the grand fairies out during summer break. 

A typical (non 2020) week would have included daily crafts, one outing to a zoo or discovery zone type place, one afternoon at a movie, and one project.  Plus screen viewing breaks for biking, walks in the woods, or some other outdoor activity.

But in this summer?

There has been a scarcity of guidelines about screen time.

In the past, they were expected to craft while watching the iPad or tv.  And to watch a TedEd or nature show on breaks from their regular shows.

This summer?

ha!

Half hearted rules were attempted, but as each week went by, this poor kid was going deeper and deeper into TicTok videos and YouTube, without any interference from me.

Time outdoors, without iPads was just what she needed.

And sister time, was even more necessary.

My husband and I were missing our far away family.  Loading up the camper to go see them again meant a lot.

Our son has a new home on an acreage that holds an organic farm.

While it is hard for me to have Adam and Dewdrop so far away, I was comforted by seeing how he lives.

He loves his green building job.  And lives in a beautiful place.

I miss them terribly, but knowing he is happy makes me happy for him.

Pulling our camper makes it easier to visit, and thanks to Ryan, we can do that.

We purchased the new trailer with Ryan’s insurance check and I consider it his last gift to me.  We can travel away from home, but always feel like we have Ry Guy near us.

He loved giving me gifts and was always so excited about them that he had a hard time waiting til it was time to pass them out.  He preferred giving them to me before the rest of the family came for holidays, because he was such a private person.

The wind chimes he bought for Mother’s Day will always be treasured because they meant so much to him.  He and I used to walk around the yard, trying them out in different spots until we found the exact place that got the most breeze for the prettiest sound.

I can just imagine his pride in knowing that he had gifted us with such a nice camper.  I hear his voice and feel his love every time we use it.

I’d like to craft a sign to hang in it, in honor of him.  For now, there is a photo of him hidden inside the refrigerator door panel. When we purchased the trailer, the fridge doors weren’t complete yet.  I taped his picture to the liner of the door and had the technician leave it there when he added the permanent doors.

We also want to bring some wind chimes on our trips, along with some of Ryan’s ashes to sprinkle by the camper each time.  He will always be with us when we are on the road.

 

A Getaway to the Asheville Mountains and Waterfalls

Asheville, NC is home to some kick ass waterfalls, and while visiting, we trekked down to the base of one and spent some time playing in the water.

That place was over crowded, as I feared many Labor Day vacation spots might be, so I was extra cautious and had the family mask up, even outdoors, when strangers got too near.  And did my best to constantly scoot away from people encroaching upon my space as I gathered shiny, quartz rocks to make a fairy to leave by the falls.

Since others simply didn’t seem to understand social distance guidelines, I left the pools at the bottom of the falls and found a cozy, mossy bed away from traffic for this sprite to make her home.

She is in a shady area, so you don’t see how the crystal sparkles in the photo. But she is entirely made of glittery bits and pieces.  And look at the itty-bitty, fingertip sized crystal heart that I found for her to hold!

It was the first part I found when I stepped into the clear water, and I created the fairy around that heart.

You can tell how beautiful the water is here.  And the rocks shining through were either frosted with mica or crystal. Each was a sparkling treasure.  

I didn’t keep any from there, since it was a park.  But, I was so tempted.  Instead, I left my fairy as a thank you for nature’s blessings to me.

She sits at the end of the trail, right by the first boulders of the pools, so I hope some kids find her there.

Being with my boy, and his daughters in such a magical place was good for my husband and I.  Some days are harder than others without Ryan, but no days are easy.

Being in a tranquil spot with loved ones was much needed.

Summer has floated by

Ha!  Sugarwings found the perfect spot for shade on the boat, hiding under the tube with her big sis.  “Turbo” is a good nickname for her, that arrow pointing her way is pretty accurate.

Funny, last year the lake, and much of KS was flooded. We didn’t take the pontoon out a single time.  That felt like a big issue and worry then.  

But then 2020 came along, right? 

I’d much prefer 2019’s deep puddles to what this year has wrought.

 

But as I’ve said.
We go on.

I find my happy moments.

Cherish what I have.

Appreciate that I’m lucky to have so much.

We have spent some nice afternoons and evenings on the lake, with loved ones and friends.

The water has been serene and just what my soul needed.  Laughs with friends, snuggles with kids, lots of tasty picnics.

In years past, Ryan rarely came out to the lake with us.  So, it isn’t a place where I expect to see him, like I do around the house or on walks. 

The boat has been a pleasant respite from the sadness.  And it’s been fun to be with grand fairies.

Our summer began on the boat, getting together for the first time in months with people we missed on Memorial Day weekend.  After corona virus isolation, the experience was so rich and wonderful, I soaked in as much joy and sunshine as my soul could sop up.

Then my world crashed the next day, when we found Ryan’s body.  One of the happiest days of my life was followed by the worst.

  Labor Day is coming up this week, and summer is coming to a close.  We will still have some lazy autumn afternoons to float along and enjoy the changing leaves.  

Everything changes, seasons pass.  

The virus is changing our world, but the best part we can do is hang on to what pleasures we can find, right? I am grateful for peace, wherever I can find it.

A Heroic Rescue

Since we got big dogs, our outdoor cats have made themselves scarce to me.  Ryan took care of them from his porch, where they had a safe place to enjoy a peaceful meal, with no dogs around.

I knew he cared for them, but had no idea how much time he’d spent with them until he was gone and they started to brave the dangerous hounds to come out to get our attention.  We often see them talking to us from the top of the shed, or climbing up to the patio for a visit.  If the dogs aren’t out, Joy Joy will follow me around the yard.

They miss him too. 

The other day, Pumpkin was crying loudly and sounding desperate.  Rich guessed that the dogs chased her under the shed.  My husband was equally desperate to get her out, and I figured that if she’d crawled under it, she’d find her way out if given time.  But he insisted, “he wasn’t going to let anything happen to Ryan’s cat.” And went to get a shovel, a hydraulic jack, and some cement blocks.

I was fearing that jacking it up one way, would smash her on the other side. But the area she was we thought she was crying from was butted up to the garage and he couldn’t lift it from that side.

And the shed was sitting on the edge of the hill down to the creek.  When he started jacking it up, it even slipped a little that direction and I could just picture it rolling down the slope, bouncing off trees and throwing its contents every which way.

Rich placated me by raising the building a little at a time on each side, and sliding rocks under it as he went, until he got all 3 sides high enough to brace with the cement blocks.

It scared me the whole time, but I am a big chicken about stuff like that.  I imagined smashed fingers, knocked over buildings, and worse.  Plus, I was not 100% sure the sound was coming from underneath.

He assured me, he saw Pumpkin’s white face under the front corner.  
After getting the building high enough, we still heard her crying.  But it did sound different.

Yep, there she was, up a tree. 
Did she climb out the back while he was raising the front?  Or had she been in another part of the tree the whole time?

Under the front corner where Rich thought he saw her, we found this- a mama and seven babies.  She had a white face too.

Maybe Pumpkin ran from the dogs, discovered the opossum, and froze under the building, hiding from both? 

Well, the cat was now safe, no matter where she’d been or how she got there.

But we couldn’t (and when I say ‘we’, I mean Rich doing all the work while I fretted and worried over his shoulder) lower the shed and not be sure we wouldn’t smash babies.

The shed had to stay on blocks over night, hoping that the little family would find a better place to nest.

Of course, I fretted that the dogs would try to get to the babies and somehow knock the building off it’s blocks, so we kept them inside just in case.

Everyone relocated as we had hoped by the next morning and I let Rich put everything back without my shrieks of “be careful!” “Watch out” “that does NOT look safe” and more. 

 

Kindnesses sparked redos

While my friends and I have gotten to be pretty good at meeting up for walks, socially distant porch parties, and other safe activities where we can visit in ventilated places somewhat apart from each other, we haven’t figured out how to do a Mosaic Day together.

We used to gather most Thursdays in Shan’s basement studio, catch up on each other’s happenings, and glue glass bits from the vast bins of colors Shanna had for us to dig through, onto all sorts of items.

Over a year ago, I started this pot, and since I couldn’t make it there every week, or sometimes brought a pressing work project from home instead, it took a long time to progress.  But just as I was getting excited about completion, Covid hit and all production halted.

Then recently, my sweet and talented friend offered finish the pot for me and I was thrilled!  My design was done, the background and grout were all that was left, and she was going to help with the grout anyway.  
Plus, this way, I could call the pot a collaboration with a master stain glass artist!

(See the stunning piece hanging behind her? Also, please notice the beautiful doodle, one of Sugar’s babies, Shan’s home is full of pretty creations.)

How generous of her to do this for me.

When Ryan died, we received a planter jam packed with greenery.  It has been a couple of months now, and while I’m slightly sure I could’ve kept them alive as is, I  was relieved to have something larger to transplant them into.

While I was at it, I repotted some other plants and spread the arrangement into some extra pots too.

Then, while picking up supplies at Hobby Lobby, I saw these blue coffee pots on clearance and got one to go along with the refreshing of the kitchen I’d started with the new plantings.

Cheerful, right?

And cheery is very much appreciated right now.  Missing Ryan is a constant with me, and I know always will be.  I write notes to him, talk to him on my walks, sit in the gazebo and listen to his wind chimes.  I think of all the boring little details in my life that he would have listened to me telling him about.  And how he honestly would be interested in hearing them.

For the first few weeks, it seemed like we had so much going on, kids to entertain and feed, places to go, chores to do, projects to work on. Dinners to cook, shopping to do.  I complained to myself that I just wanted to be left alone.  

That I wanted to crawl into bed and not get out.

That I wanted to be alone to be sad and not do anything at all. 

Looking back, I wonder if I was doing it right all along, by just keeping going.  Not just keeping busy, but being active and part of the world around me.  Which isn’t easy to do in the Age of Corona. And it isn’t easy to do when I am sad.  But for me, it probably was the best thing I could do.

Heart break will always be with me.  But it also makes me realize that the good that surrounds me might not always be with with me.  I work to treasure my blessings, appreciate what I have, and to keep my home as much of a pretty, and peaceful sanctuary as I can.  To reach out to friends and family that I love.  

To not curl up in the darkness.

 

 

 

Renewed, not erased

For Ryan’s 40th birthday, we redid his apartment on the side of our house.  His brother was hired to do most of the work, Ry was his assistant and also did a lot of the painting.

What I hadn’t expected, was that he had strong opinions on how the rooms were going to be done.  That is when I discovered that he was a HGTV addict.  And had some good ideas as well as good taste.

After our son was gone, my husband started spending time up in the apartment, feeling close to Ryan while he read a book or just sat and thought.  We decided to make the room more functional as a guest room, or a place we could spend time in, while keeping Ryan’s original design choices.

Being in Ryan’s home felt good, and we took our time, deep cleaning, moving things around, hanging stuff.  It was nice to have a reason to be there, and we wanted to make the space more of a part of our home.  Kind of as a way to keep him close.  

I didn’t change the bathroom at all.  I kind of wanted to hang different artwork, but the painting is one I did of a view from the Wyoming lake house vacation that he went on with us.  The colors don’t match the room, but he sat with me as I painted it and he loved that piece of art.

I would like to do a mosaic to hang on the front of the TV cabinet.  Maybe later.

The chair is one that I had in the main house, but thought it looked better up here.

The framed, vintage, cardinal print is something that will always remind me of him.  We have had a cardinal that has pecked at and attacked our windows since last October.  He became Ryan’s nemesis and we all laughed about their war for months.

That’s why I put the ceramic red bird on his coffee table.  
We named the persistent bird, Malarkey, after a contestant on Top Chef last season.

Ryan was a cook and loved the show.  But he could not stand that guy, because Malarkey was a show off, bragging type who always ran his mouth and sometimes spoke badly of other contestants.  

Ryan himself was a hard worker who believed in doing the tough jobs, not talking about doing them. He had no respect for guys like Malarkey and we used to cross our fingers and cheer for him to pack his knives and go each week.

It took us a while to watch the rest of the series after we lost our Ryan.  And when Malarkey finally left, Rich and I cried as we applauded the decision.

So now, Malarkey the red bird is represented in Ry’s apartment as a reminder of how many laughs we had together over both.  

The purple statice was dried from a place floral arrangement sent by a nephew.  

The multi color vases by the TV were saved from bouquets sent after Ryan died too.  I kept all of the vases and have plans to mosaic some of them.

The far wall is where the mini home gym once was.  We already have a workout area in the office, so changed this to a dining spot.  

If some day, a grand fairy moves in, or if needed for some other reason, we can bring in a small fridge and microwave.  For now, a gate leg table from the hearth room and a couple chairs from the studio were enough.

Speaking of grand fairies moving in, Sugarwings discovered the XBox and now calls this her apartment when she goes up to play it.  Ryan would get a kick out of that.

I found these curtains at Walmart for $5 a pair, and they suit the room nicely.  

The bedspread isn’t as ideal, but was one I already had.  It’s okay, but I might look around for something a bit more “farmhouse-ish”.  The bedside lamp was $2 at Goodwill, and the headboard $100 from Nebraska Furniture Mart.

He already had the quilt there, it was one my mom made for him from some scraps leftover of clothes she’d sewn for him as a kid.

I had the mirror/window in the breezeway for over a decade and was ready for a change.  It goes well here.

The curtains actually match better in person than they seem to in the photo.  He had picked them out with me.

The print on the wall is from a painting I had done.  It also reminds me of my boy, but in a convoluted way.  When Ryan had to have his gallbladder removed, and we spent days at the hospital while he recovered from a serious infection, we roamed the halls quite a bit to stretch our legs.  While exploring, I was surprised to see the original of this hanging through the window of an office.  

This picture will always make me think of those days hanging out at the hospital with him.

This is sentimental too.  When I was on a pour paint kick, Ryan was my biggest fan.  I couldn’t convince him to do one with me, but he did keep me company and chose colors for me to make some pieces for his place.

He liked them so much, that he had a few too many hanging around.  I gave some away to people who cared about him and saved a couple that I have cut up to make into a photo album cover.  I’ve already been sorting photos of him and am impatiently waiting til I have time to create the book.

While redoing, I touched up the paint that was nicked in a few spots and repainted his front door.  As I redid the entry, I pictured how happy Ryan would’ve been if I’d done that one day while he was at work. 

I can just hear the excitement in his voice as discovered the fresh paint and he thanked me.  

He was so appreciative of every little thing.  So much so, that he made doing things for him very rewarding, he was so pleased by it.  There wasn’t a single meal he ate that he didn’t compliment me on and thank me.  Every single dinner would get a “Thank you, Mom, that was good”.

I could tell if he really, really liked it, because the phrase would become, “Thank you, Mom, that was goooooood!”

I think he would like knowing that we are visiting his little home and spending time there.  I wish I could tell him, “Thank you for your decorating choices, Ryan.  They are gooooooood!”

 

 

 

A place to hold hands and reminisce for our 35th anniversary

For our 35th anniversary on Monday, I wanted to find a meaningful gift for my husband.

Since Ryan died, we have spent a lot of time sitting in our gazebo, listening to the wind chimes and thinking about our boy.

We watch the chickens play in the sprinkler, talk to the dogs, and hold hands. It has become our place to remember Ryan, and to be together.  
Oh, and drink some wine, too.

So when it came to picking out a gift, I figured that a matching set of  cozy rockers to sit in together would be ideal.  I searched online for something just right and wasn’t having the best of luck.  Then, I saw this set (on clearance, too) at TJMax and knew they were just what I had been looking for.

When we remodeled Ryan’s apartment for his 40th birthday, he chose everything in the rooms, and had gone with a lot of grays in a kind of modern, farmhouse style (he watched a lot of TV decorating shows for ideas).

These rocking chairs would look equally good with Ryan’s color scheme as they do in our garden.

I think he would approve of them.

Once I set them in the spot, I realized that rocks aren’t great for rockers... so I went back online and found a matching, outdoor rug. From Walmart, and it seems to be of a nice quality and looks pretty good there.

It is a peaceful place that has become very special to us.  I can see us sitting there together, holding hands and reminiscing throughout our next 35 years with each other.

Stitching my world back together

 

The day Ryan died, I was in the middle of making this flower I had crafted to stitch together a hole in a favorite shirt.

I was waiting for him to come downstairs for our planned walk. As I worked on the shirt,  I texted him a couple of times to ask if he was okay, since he was running so late.

After the shock of finding his body, and dealing with the dozens of emergency personnel that go along with a tragedy like that, I found myself back at the table, numbly stitching away on this flannel.

Over the next few weeks, while I still could not bear to speak to many people, and my chest twisted up into shards of pain with every breath I took, I found myself still stitching.

The creations were an outlet for me, my mind could wander with memories of my boy, as my hands stayed busy.  

I have never been into sewing, but embroidery seems different.  I call it “painting with thread”.  After surgery, early in March, while Covid was amping up, I could be creative while elevating and icing my knee.
So luckily, I was already immersed in the hobby and had a selection of supplies out, when I really needed them.  

Having these shirts to keep me occupied, didn’t take my mind off of Ryan, but sewing them did give me quiet time to think about him and I could feel myself being stitched back together a tiny bit with each flower.

I can’t say that embroidery has brought me peace, because I feel like breathing will always be painful now.

But I think it has helped me along towards peacefulness by the repetitive and simple process of pulling the needle in and out of the fabric and by choosing pretty colors to put together.

Ideally, it is best to be working on these flowers while listening to wind chimes in the gazebo.  And after a long walk on the trails Ryan and I had walked together on over and over.

The walks can be tough, each step reminds me of a laugh or something he said as we passed in that exact spot.  I have learned to never go on a walk without wearing pants with pockets and filling those pockets with tissues.

And to never waste tissues on tears.  Tears can drop on my feet, or on the sidewalk, but snot really shouldn’t.  And I am a snotty cryer.

I save the tissues for nose blowing and let the tears go wherever they want.

Maybe I will be able to do some artwork in the studio soon.  I have cleaned it top to bottom and rearranged it a bit too.  I am easing myself back into my old life, making myself ready to be artistic again.

For now, I’ll keep stitching, and trying to hold myself together as much as I can.